When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I hate everything
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?