My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.