I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol