[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
You Might Also Like
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Cats are still liquid.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac