I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
You Might Also Like
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”