No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?