Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
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Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
How to find Kentucky on a map
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.