Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
You Might Also Like
Start the year as you intend to continue.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.