The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”