Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
incredible
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Whoa 😂