The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE