*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh