hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Put the is in disheveled
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I like crazy people until they notice me
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.