Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I just ran a .003048K
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.