I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Never let them know your next move 😂
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag