Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
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Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”