It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
those birds must be on payroll
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet