Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.