Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.