My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables