Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My boss called in sick of me
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17