I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Taco Bell, Exit 22
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.