[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house