Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
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Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
me irl
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.