I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
beware of dog
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion