Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Name another movie that mislead you?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package