On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules