Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
You Might Also Like
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.