Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
dutch so unserious
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.