I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*