I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
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I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”