Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
accurate
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
new career option?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.