Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
How did we not see this back then?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.