I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
look at me when i’m typing to you
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit