My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
You Might Also Like
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.