My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
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Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.