The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.