I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
DOOO EEEET
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life