Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My therapist after every session
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.