Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.