Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Teach your children to beatbox
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
sugar glider wrangler
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?