mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
You Might Also Like
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂