Nigella has gone too far this time.
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Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I put the mess in domestic.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway