My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?