What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“i miss shittin on people”
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*