Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)