I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?