I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
White Castle for the Win
I only treason on days ending in y
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
live long and prosper!
just left a huge legacy in there
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”