Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?