People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward